I am looking at my suitcase. It is on my bedroom floor. I am trying to remember not to pack too heavily as there is a weight limit for luggage on this flight to our vacation in Cabo. There are pine needles on the floor beside my luggage reminding me we are in the Christmas season but the big day is over and now we are heading into the New Year. Ten of us are heading to Cabo for a much-needed break from the taxing year that has gone by. Last year I was packing for a similar trip with Robert and the family. We were laughing and chatting over Bob’s colourful shirt and tie collection. He always looked amazing with his pink shirts and aqua ties. This year there is only one suitcase on the bedroom floor. Robert is gone. My heart still aches. This will be the first Christmas vacation I have taken without him in 10 years. Nothing I put in my suitcase will help me get through the hurt. I miss him terribly.
As I drop my gym shoes into my suitcase I remind myself this break is much needed. I have been in high gear since learning of Bob’s cancer. There has been no time to grieve for him and I feel myself beginning to boil over with emotion. I have given this some thought however and am going to do something while in Mexico that we always did whenever Bob and I were on vacation. We would spend one night “dining in” dressed in our bathrobes looking at a glorious sunset, drinking wine and eating only bread and cheese. The simplicity of such an evening was always so memorable for me. I will do it again this year, for him and for myself. I will also go down to the beach in the evening and bury a small token of us as a couple in the Mexican sand. This year it will be a copy of MuscleMag with him on the cover in his final tribute.
My suitcase is getting full and I can hear the family in the hall, voices buzzing with excitement. It hurts to stand still and it hurts to move on, but move on I must.
I’ll be back again in January to start up a new year with all of you. It will be a happy, healing year.